Couples Counseling
I believe security in intimate relationships comes from the depth of emotional connection between partners. I want to help the two of you see each other, and be seen, more deeply. It might not be easy. Painful or scary things might be encountered. But the rewards of a safe connected relationship make it worth it. Working together with me, you will learn how to quickly re-establish connection, or experience it for the first time, and discover a level of intimacy you may never have known or dreamed could be possible. Ready to start the journey?
Do you and your partner feel stuck?
Does it feel like the two of you go through the same cycle of upset over and over, and can’t understand why you can’t stop doing it? Does it feel like the two of you get into cycles with each other that feel awful, but keep repeating anyway?
I want to help with that. I believe intimate relationships involve a complex pattern of approach and respond. Think of ballroom dancing. Taking steps forwards, backwards and to the side, a couple glide around the dance floor moving together, and it feels wonderful. When a couple feels stuck, it is because they have danced into a corner. One partner only knows how to step forward; the other partner only knows how to step backwards.
Working together with me, you can learn to identify the steps that result in being stuck and practice new steps to get you moving through life. Together. I can help the two of you express (and hear) how you need and are needed by your partner.
Does it feel like your intimate partner isn’t hearing you?
It could be because of attachment fears.
Attachment fears are fears of abandonment, and are hard-wired. We all have them. They are a big part of what makes us human.
Every communication between intimate partners involves two levels. First, a “content” level: the who, when, where, what and why of something. Second, is that attachment level: anything that might address the question, “will you be there if I really need you?”
My goal as your couples counselor is to help the two of you tune in to the attachment level: to hear and respond to each other in a deeper, more intimate way. To really see each other.
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Does the idea of attachment fears seem far-fetched? In my experience they are very real. Every communication in a special relationship is scanned by questions such as “Am I safe with you?” and “Can I count on you?” It’s black and white. If the answer to the attachment questions is “yes” then things are okay and the content level can be engaged.
However, if the answers to the attachment questions is anything other than “yes,” intense fear will be triggered. This is because the fear center of the human brain interprets the possibility of abandonment as a matter of life and death. No different than being under water and not being able to breathe.
Paying attention to the content level is impossible when experiencing attachment fear. It’s like asking somebody to do math in their head when they are drowning. You have to be able to breathe first.
Do the two of you feel like roommates or co-parents? Did it used to be different? Was there always something missing?
Intimacy happens when partners see each other deeply and expansively, and love all of it. Not just the happy fun parts, but the fears and insecurities too.
It’s wonderful to be loved that way, but it requires tremendous trust to allow another human to see and love all parts of you. Working with me, I will invite you both to take some emotional risks as you pay attention to the effect it is having on your partner. Are they moved? Does it look like they care? What effect is their caring having on you? This is the beginning of building intimacy.
I promise you it won’t be easy. But the rewards are vast.
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You’ve heard the saying, “you have to love yourself before you can let someone else love you.” Well, I disagree. I think real security comes from allowing someone else to love parts you have trouble loving yourself.
All of us have areas of insecurity—aspects of ourselves we think may be unworthy of being loved or cared about. We often wall these parts of ourselves off from other people, and sometimes from ourselves as well.
In day to day life this often doesn’t cause much problem. But as intimacy deepens in a special relationship, those protective walls get harder and harder to maintain. This can be terrifying, and lead to emotional distancing as a last-ditch effort to keep the walls intact.
Typically, when a partner encounters distancing or walls in their partner it triggers fear and efforts to reduce the distance or break down the wall. Which often causes the walls to be built even stronger. A negative cycle ensues.
Negative cycles are a big problem. I often think of them as enemies of the relationship. Working with me, you will learn to recognize the one in your relationship. Because when partners see it together, they can be a team against it.
Other Considerations
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This is a tough tough road back to security, but it is possible.
As much as anything else, betrayal in a special relationship involves the creation of a power imbalance. The betrayed partner is in a one-down position now, and usually feels that acutely.
For this reason, I believe that reconciling a relationship after a betrayal rests on the ability of the betraying partner to become deeply vulnerably visible to the betrayed partner. To give up control.
Betraying partner: do you want your relationship back? I can help you, but it will be very hard for you.
Betrayed partner: do you want your relationship back? Have the betraying partner contact me.
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If there is something inherently missing in your partner that you need, I don’t believe any counselor can make that be different.
Consider however: have you always had this sense of incompatibility? If things felt different in the past, it may be that problems with emotional communication have developed and are harming your relationship. That I may be able to help with.
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This is called “discernment counseling.”
I don’t offer this. Nor do I necessarily recommend it. In my experience, a decision to divorce is best made individually. I’d be happy to talk with you about this in individual counseling.
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I’d be happy to. Will you do it?
Take That Important Step Today
Contact me to schedule a confidential consultation and embark on your journey towards mental wellness. In times of uncertainty, remember that support is just a call away.